Sunday, December 23, 2012

The Elf on the Shelf can kiss my . . .

People, I hate that freaking Elf on a Shelf.  I know I am not alone in this because I have spent way too much time reading crap on the internet about the loathing other people feel for the phenomenon -- like this blog post, or this one, or even this newspaper article (which worries me because I think the author might not be entirely joking).  But none of these writers hits on the real reason why the Elf on the Shelf sucks.  They all wax philosophically about how we shouldn't lie to our kids, and how they don't like to promote the idea of tattling, and how it "diminishes parental authority."  And how it's creepy as shit.

Actually I'm with them there; it is creepy as shit.

But the real reason that every mom in the world should rise up in rage at the mere thought of the Elf on the Shelf is because WHAT THE HELL?!  Do I not have enough damned stuff to do?  Or to feel guilty about not doing?  The Elf on the Stinkin' Shelf is mean to moms.  I would say dads, too -- but we all know that moms are the Christmas beasts of burden.  Shopping, wrapping, decorating, begging someone to find our outside lights and put them up, baking superfluous sweets, making sure the teacher gifts are appropriate and clever, helping out with class parties or seasonal fundraisers and celebrations for school or church or scouts . . . .  I seriously spend most of my December hyperventilating because I am so very behind.  Y'all, it's December 23 and my tree is not decorated yet.

So do not even think about Elfing my Shelf, if you know what's good for you -- or I'll deck your halls.


Today behind the door of the Advent calendar, we find a fabulous new book that I suspect will become a classic.  It's beautiful, and full of love and mystery and Santa!  The Lost Christmas Gift presents itself as a package that the adult narrator receives after it has been missing for years.  The storytelling is multi-layered, as we read the letters that the narrator should have received from his dad when he was a boy, along with his father's drawings depicting their adventure.  We also read the adult narrator's musings about his memories of that adventure.  It's wonderful!


  1. Where do I enlist in your army, ma'am?

    P.S. It's longer than your other books, but imho, "Mrs. Coverlet's Magicians" must be read every holiday season.


  2. Thank you!

    While I've chuckled at a few, for the most part, I dislike them...

    Elf on a spit.

    That's better.

  3. Screw Elf on The Shelf. I am constantly seeing facebook posts by supermoms who do all kinds of crazy creative crap with their elf. The elf even brings treats and presents. STUPID ELF. Merry Christmas!

  4. Nope I'm out on that one too, I only just pulled Christmas together this year. I can't cope with another thing to fit in my day.

  5. Seriously? Is it really that hard for you women to move a small stuffed elf once a night?