Monday, March 8, 2010

"Quick, Marge -- get the spackle knife!"

So my friend Renee and I were asked to speak as part of a parent panel, by the surprisingly nice people at FOXNews. Yeah, I know -- weird, right? I found it surreal on many levels.

But it was also most excellently fun. People, dig us -- we actually waited in the green room! We walked through the newsroom on our way to the studio where the taping took place, and I really wanted to see a TV monitor on someone's desk tuned into the E! entertainment network (Oscar night, people! Why wasn't someone checking out the red carpet?!). But no -- everyone' monitors were dutifully tuned into FOXNews. Lame . . . .

Our discussion was moderated by Shannon Bream, who did her best to seem like a normal woman of average beauty, instead of a gorgeous, shimmering angel/fairy-person. She's smarter than you think she is.

But really, I mostly wanted to tell you about my experience in the make-up chair. I mean, let's be real; I was absolutely feeling a total Diane Sawyer/Annette Bening vibe coming off of myself -- except without the fabulous career in journalism or acting, and lacking the stunning beauty part, but whatever. So the whole make-up chair scene obviously stroked my vanity.

However . . . while Renee (she of the porcelain skin and naturally curly hair) was dismissed after a brief encounter with a foundation sponge, eyeliner, and a light dusting of powder, I -- and I swear I am not making this up -- was spray-painted, plucked, concealed, and spackled within an inch of my life. I swear to you, the woman used an air brush on me -- the kind boardwalk vendors use on cheesy T-shirts.

The make-up babe clearly felt that she needed to provide quite a bit of assistance. At one point she asked me if I had ever heard of lip balm. I do not think she was complimenting me. My hair was curled, back-combed and sprayed -- and all the while the hard-working artist was ever so slightly shaking her head.

Do you think that ever happens to Diane Sawyer?

If you want to see the glamorous end product intellectually stimulating panel discussion (or at least whatever is left after they edit the heck out of it), tune in to FOXNews tonight during the 6:00 p.m. hour.

Image credits:
Artist at work: R. Brock 2010
Shannon Bream: courtesy of FOXNews 2009


  1. That is just too funny and probably what would happen to me if I was to ever be afforded the opportunity in a make up chair! I won't be able to watch (son has swim practice) so will you let us in on it after it air?

  2. Just think of all those movie stars with their plastic body parts and hair extensions and who need to be sprayed or injected with industrial chemicals to look presentable. I'm sure all you really needed was a little dusting to remove any shine on your nose. It must have been so much fun!

  3. Liz, you are a riot! Where will we next find you?? Are you kidding me?! 6pm CST? I've got to watch. Really, listen, they were trying to play down your radiating beauty so you wouldn't outside your pixie fairy host, ok? Got it, you gorgeous babe ... and you are. Mean it.

  4. "outshine!" ... I meant outshine! not outside ... gah

  5. I'm so behind in my blog reading that I'm too late to watch your segment. Damn! Sounds like you had a great time, even if you were spackled and airbrushed!

  6. One word: "MADDDD"

    ...oh I'll blurb anyway. That is so cool. I've always wanted to do that.

    *dreams of the next Australian panelist on The View* *Happy Dance*