Tuesday, July 7, 2009

Hell Cat

Here is a snapshot of our cat, Jake -- or as we like to call him, Satan. Jake is a newcomer to our family of elderly lady cats, and they are not enamored of him. I think a better way of saying this would be: they hate him. This is not difficult to understand. Here are some absolutely true stories about this evil hellcat lovable scamp:

1. A fox roamed our wooded neighborhood last summer, and Jake's favorite game was to stand on top of a fence or car and taunt the fox -- kind of a "nyah-nyah, you can't catch me" type deal. Cats really can do this. Truly. The fox (a carnivore, let me note) would be just spitting with rage, and of course would chase Jake all over the neighborhood on a regular basis. Inevitably, the ballsy cat would end up banging with his kitty fist on our bedroom window -- "Let me in! Let me in! Let me in!" You think I'm kidding, but if a big-assed fox was chasing you, you'd bang on every window you found, wouldn't you? And I say ballsy in the sense that this cat has the biggest cojones of any neutered creature I've ever met.

2. Jake is the Ted Bundy of bird-killers; I'm sorry to be so graphic, but the fabulous neighbors will back me up. He's not so much about the "hunter-provider" gig, and turns out to be all about the "play with it until it dies, then walk away"-type arrangement. This is not endearing.

3. Complete tangent, but Jake's two sisters live next door with the fabulous neighbors, and while they are not evil in the Beelzebub sense, they are crazier than junebugs (the cats, not the neighbors). One is a calico, so you know she's nuts, and she wears way too much eye-liner. She's Tammy Faye, obviously.

The other one had no chance at sanity, since a two-year-old named her Cookie Dough. She's Jake's twin, but I ask you -- does this look like the picture of evil to you?

4. Here's a partial list of the items Jake has tried to kill:
  • a flip-flop
  • a hair doodad
  • both elderly lady cats, each of whom can take him down without mussing her hairdo
  • a beam from a laser pointer (yards and yards of fun for the urchins)
  • random human feet, obviously
  • his own personal cat food dish

It would be so nice to wrap up by telling you that I'm just joshin' ya -- that he really is the cutest little kitty-cat. It would be a lie, though.

Image credits:
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: Jeff Dunham/Comedy Central
Red Fox (
vulpes vulpes): Allison Bailey
Tammy Faye Bakker: Joei Regan


  1. You know, you almost make me want a cat with this post. You give him so much personality. #4 is my favorite. Trying to kill a flip flop...now that would be funny to watch!

  2. My favorite is when Jake sits in the middle of our yard taunting our indoor cats with his outdoor freedoms. A barking dog only adds to his sense of success. Our cats have even climbed the basement curtains trying to get to Jake. I always know where he is in the yard by what window my cats are hissing at. I think his favorite place is on the front porch toy box just outside the window where my cats could reach out and touch him....but not.

  3. Hilarious, Tricia -- and allow me to apologize to your cats on Jake's behalf. He's not sorry at all, but it does seem like good manners . . . .

  4. Your cat tried to beat up my cat tonight - not sure of the birth order, but all indications are that he came out before his sisters - he is keeping up the tradition of the older brother pounding on the younger siblings! (And my comment is "anonymous" because trying to use my name or email is technologically above my skill level, so my computer tells me!)

  5. Well, Jake has two things to say to Tammy Faye and Cookie Dough: "Boys rule and girls drool," and "Mom likes me best."

    Not taking sides -- just reporting the facts.